What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
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Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was