What number SPF blocks people?
You Might Also Like
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.