The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
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Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Effort made
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Otters see a butterfly.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.