Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
You Might Also Like
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
My dad teaching me to drive
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.