*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
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Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
#growingpains
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Left at a local drug store…
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
#Caturday
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also: