[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
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Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Wait for it
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”