Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.