A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
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ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”