Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
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A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
that de-escalated quickly
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne