People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
You Might Also Like
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all