if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
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I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?