Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
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friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
I think my mom just blocked me
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!