Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
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The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.