A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
You Might Also Like
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.