[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
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14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
love pickles so much i put myself in one
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
How does one answer this?
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired