“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
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Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.