Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
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If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.