[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
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Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.