I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
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[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.