I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
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“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Me in tagged photos
We’re all getting idioter.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.