them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
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“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
I didn’t come here to be called names
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar