Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
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me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
What?!?
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.