Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
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I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.