thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
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Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
No regrets in 2018
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
forgive me baja for i have blast