KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
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“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
“You’d better run, egg!”
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
fired
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell