Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
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I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
I love you…
…r dog.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”