Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
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Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.