If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
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Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.