I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
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Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
They got a point!
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.