Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
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don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Personal question. #JustSaying
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.