If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
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Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
That’s a good costume, I hope.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.