If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
dictator is short for richard potato
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar