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I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.