me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
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[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.