You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
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Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Yes my dude
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?