He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
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[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.