Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
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No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”