Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
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*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Autocorrect completely socks
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Just so funny
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?