[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
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It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
This was my dad’s browser history.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns