*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
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Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth