Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
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“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
I’m confused about plants
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE