13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
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The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…