Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”