My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
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There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Fries, not lies.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.