There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
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At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now