Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
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Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Chicago sounds lovely.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
My life coach traded me.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.