*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
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Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.