I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
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You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
three things we don’t talk about
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
He took my last fry, your honor
Just ordered me some pizza!
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.