YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
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[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now