“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
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*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
But I really needed water water water
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.